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Matt Williams

Interviews with Survivors of the Apocalypse

Gary, 38

“I thought there’d be more of a campfire vibe going on, seen as you know, everywhere’s on fire. But, the other night, when I tried to get a chorus of ‘B-I-N-G-O’ going, they booed me. Unbelievable!”

Jake, 26

“Trying to keep to a high protein, low-carb diet has been tough. Not impossible, but tough. The guy I’m travelling with keeps trying to get me to have potatoes, says it’s starvation that’s the reason my abs are popping. But, it’s just jealousy. Surely after the nuclear winter comes the nuclear summer? And who doesn’t want to be ready for that?”

Jeanette, 32

“I didn’t have much of a skin care routine to speak of before it all happened. But, someone showed me that using rotting human flesh does wonders for your complexion. They also danced around with the entrails, so I don’t think they were all there. But, the skin care advice still stands,”

Alicia, 42

“It’s given everyone a chance to reinvent themselves. The other day we met this guy called ‘Donkey Cock’. Quite an aggressive guy, a bit stabby, carried around a severed donkey penis with him like a safety blanket. Bet he was an accountant, or something like that before it all happened. Was probably massively into Rocky Horror,”

Cortland, 52

“No one can look good in actual rags. Fact. Sure, you can accessorize. How else do you think I’ve managed to pull off this look? But, frankly this whole apocalypse has been a disaster fashion-wise,”

Laura & Stephen, both 35

Stephen: “Restaurant standards have really nosedived,”

Laura: “There used to be this place that we went to all the time. But, we went there yesterday, and the guy just screamed at us to get out,”

Stephen: “The angry, celebrity chef is so cliché. At some point you have to remember about customer service,”

Laura: “Fortunately, there’s quite a good street food movement happening,”

Stephen: “We were at this guy the other day who does awesome barbecue. Really simple, but tasty food. Tastes just like pork,”

Mark, 24

“It sucks that I never got the chance to tell my boss to go fuck himself. That first day when I didn’t have to drag my ass in, only for him to shout at me was great. Sure, I had to escape a gang of crazed rats. But, it was still pretty great,”

Joey-T, 19

“End of the…? Bro, don’t mess with me. Are you messing with me?…Shit!…I…er…Does that mean the QuickStop is closed?“

Zoe, 22

“Some people have a real attitude now. This guy was all like, ‘what skills do you have?’ And I was like, ‘Erm, I’m a content provider’ and he just starts laughing,”  

Glen, 54

“This guy said the water he’d got was the best, filtered stuff you could get. Sure, there were some smooth notes, and a clean, crisp finish. But, it was cold, and that’s about as good as it got. Finishing the bottle was a chore. I can’t say I’ll be going back…yes I am dehydrated, but I have standards,”

Barry, 40

“I blame Hollywood. We’re all waiting for some charismatic leader to step through the smoke, bring us all together and lead us forward. But, the closest we’ve got is when some guy trying to sing ‘B-I-N-G-O’ the other night. And after the wedgie they gave him I surprised if anyone else is going to bother,”

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