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Jay Li

Covid-19 Story

Every once a while, something that is too good to be true falls on one’s lap and you don’t realize how good it is until you lose it.

That was me. I had that good thing happen to me for a blissful 9 months. 

When I met him, I was cautious. I warned him about my negative traits yet he patiently accepted my flaws and my person.

People said that three strikes and you are out. I gave him more than three reasons for him to leave me. Yet he stood by my side.

Until the pandemic of covid-19 hit. The first 5 months flew by. The sixth month was in a state of limbo. The lingering last few months was dearly missing to desperately clinging onto him.

I knew I turned into an unattractive person. I allowed myself to spiral downwards, into a pit of darkness of tormenting myself and him. I knew the days were numbered and out of my last strings of self-respect, I threw them out and said the harshest of words.

It was a 180 degrees turn. 

Daily words of affection that I woke up to no longer streamed in. 

Daily calls no longer chimed my phone.

My texts, emails and phone calls were never returned.

I recalled him saying that once he walked away, he would never turn back.

He has told me that his exes and their mothers have questioned and wanted him to return.

I tried to stay away but crumbled. Every day for two months, I sent him messages and calls.

I was broken. For 2 months straight, my tears never stopped. Everything reminded me of him, our sweet moments together. 

I missed his lightly accented soft voice. I missed his teasing, his groans, his laughter, his intelligence and his wisdom.

I regret my last words that caused the massive chasm- that splintered us apart and flung us to opposite ends of the universe.

Often I was torn in a strange dilemma. I reasoned that he’s too good for me and I wasn’t good enough for him. I questioned if he got bored of me and my clingy persona. I wondered if there was another woman who entered his life.

My work saved me. My family and friends provided solace in the multitude of ways that I sought out. I threw myself in reading books and catching up with movies and TV shows.

The pain has lessened. The tears now dropped when I spent more than 15 minutes thinking about us.

We were a beautiful couple. I still love him. I miss him dearly. 

I used to long for the days when I wish I could hear his voice. But I know- regardless of what the future holds, I have our memories and pictures to hold tight. And that he has walked away.

I learn and hope to grow and become a better person.

I wish him truly and mostly the best. I wish he finds the person who loves and completes him. Because truly he deserves it.

As for me, I will strive and continue on my life journey. It’s lonely and occasionally sad. But I know I have deep joy within me.

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