Every once a while, something that is too good to be true falls on one’s lap and you don’t realize how good it is until you lose it.
That was me. I had that good thing happen to me for a blissful 9 months.
When I met him, I was cautious. I warned him about my negative traits yet he patiently accepted my flaws and my person.
People said that three strikes and you are out. I gave him more than three reasons for him to leave me. Yet he stood by my side.
Until the pandemic of covid-19 hit. The first 5 months flew by. The sixth month was in a state of limbo. The lingering last few months was dearly missing to desperately clinging onto him.
I knew I turned into an unattractive person. I allowed myself to spiral downwards, into a pit of darkness of tormenting myself and him. I knew the days were numbered and out of my last strings of self-respect, I threw them out and said the harshest of words.
It was a 180 degrees turn.
Daily words of affection that I woke up to no longer streamed in.
Daily calls no longer chimed my phone.
My texts, emails and phone calls were never returned.
I recalled him saying that once he walked away, he would never turn back.
He has told me that his exes and their mothers have questioned and wanted him to return.
I tried to stay away but crumbled. Every day for two months, I sent him messages and calls.
I was broken. For 2 months straight, my tears never stopped. Everything reminded me of him, our sweet moments together.
I missed his lightly accented soft voice. I missed his teasing, his groans, his laughter, his intelligence and his wisdom.
I regret my last words that caused the massive chasm- that splintered us apart and flung us to opposite ends of the universe.
Often I was torn in a strange dilemma. I reasoned that he’s too good for me and I wasn’t good enough for him. I questioned if he got bored of me and my clingy persona. I wondered if there was another woman who entered his life.
My work saved me. My family and friends provided solace in the multitude of ways that I sought out. I threw myself in reading books and catching up with movies and TV shows.
The pain has lessened. The tears now dropped when I spent more than 15 minutes thinking about us.
We were a beautiful couple. I still love him. I miss him dearly.
I used to long for the days when I wish I could hear his voice. But I know- regardless of what the future holds, I have our memories and pictures to hold tight. And that he has walked away.
I learn and hope to grow and become a better person.
I wish him truly and mostly the best. I wish he finds the person who loves and completes him. Because truly he deserves it.
As for me, I will strive and continue on my life journey. It’s lonely and occasionally sad. But I know I have deep joy within me.