Daniel Oliver

Bionic Dildos and the Path to Solving American Gun Violence

A few months ago, I saw a headline in the paper about the Houston City Council unanimously passing an emergency ordinance blocking a “sex robot brothel” from opening in town. Turns out, the headline was a little misleading. The brothel didn’t have actual sex robots; the technology isn’t quite there yet. Rather, the “employees” at this steam-punk sex circus are just realistic-looking sex dolls with lubed, and sometimes motorized Kibbles and Bits. Or, if you rather, life sized Barbie dolls with Roomba snatches.

After reading the article, I thought it was probably good that the brothel was blocked by politicians. After all, hardly anyone ever reads past the headline, which means the grand-opening would have seen scores of horn dogs showing up for Westworld, but getting a slutty Hall of Presidents instead. Arguments against the robot brothel were made mostly by outspoken Conservatives under the auspice that such a travesty of a business would lead to the degradation of the community. That sex robots would destroy homes, families, and neighborhoods. In reality, access to sex robots would probably do more to save families, insofar that suburban moms would no longer risk dying from electrocution while disinfecting the household appliances their husbands keep bustin’ nuts in. But, arguments aside, the most interesting aspect of the article was actually the description of the male-sex robots, and their “bionic penises.”

Now, if you’re anything like me, the words “bionic” and “penis” together in a sentence only elicits feelings of fearful confusion. But, it turns out bionic dongs don’t offer much more to write home about than regular dongs. The term “bionic” just refers to the ability to make the fake dong hard via the same kind of air pump Nike used to put in the tongues of their sneakers. Because, naturally, the next logical step for innovators to take after putting air pumps in sneakers…is putting air pumps in robot dicks.

But that got me thinking. If sneaker pumps could be used to solve the problem of robot E.D, then there’s no reason the technology can’t be used to solve other problems. Problems this country has been struggling with for decades…Problems like Gun violence.

Don’t worry, I’ll explain.

Gun violence debates launch themselves into the news every time there’s a mass shooting. So, every other week or so. The Left argues that guns are the culprits, and they serve no other purpose but to kill others; that they are toys which appeal to peoples lust of destruction and are more recreational in nature than functional. The Right argues that guns don’t kill people; people kill people. Guns aren’t toys, they’re tools with a purpose. Tools for hunting, protection, and, if you’re like some guys I went to high school with, props to be used in music videos during an ill-advised pursuit of a career in rap.

Naturally, this begs the question: is there a middle ground that appeases both sides? Is there a viable solution wherein we can separate the violent appeal of guns from their utilitarian nature?

The answer hit me right in the chin and dripped down my chest while researching those big, throbbing robot cocks.

It’s no secret that people in this country are far more bothered by sex than they are violence. Don’t believe me? Look at how much longer Monica Lewinsky was in the news than Santa Fe High School. Ten children were murdered at Santa Fe High School just last year; people talked about it for like two weeks. Monica Lewinsky sucked a dick 25 years ago; to this day she’s still mocked even though every… single… person… I have EVER met has had someone’s genitals in their mouth.

Everyone.

LITERALLY NO EXCEPTIONS.

Even you, the person reading this right now, has tongue punched someone’s fuck-plumbing at least once in your life.

Both Santa Fe’s and Lewinsky’s stories are bad for different reasons, but when the staying power of the aftermath is compared, there is a noticeable disparity between those two topics. Disparities that don’t seem right because they fucking aren’t. Heinous acts of violence are, and should be treated more seriously than any sex act, or brothels charging nerds to use their fancy jizz dumpsters. But, for whatever reason, they aren’t and it’s not even close.

An exhaustive number of fruitless debates have ensued over gun control, and each argument ends with neither side agreeing on which step to take first. Basically, we fight over gun control the same way our grandparents fight over the remote control; hoping the other side dies first before having to give up any ground.  In fact, it seems like the only thing a society like us can do to balance the scales, is to stop trying to force the other side to see things differently, and instead change the way everyone views the entire situation. To elicit more than a shrug three weeks after a dozen kids are murdered, we need to equate the way people view guns with the way they view those electric jiggalo shlongs.

How?

Lobby for legislation forcing gun manufactures to make functioning gun barrels out of those hyper realistic, bionic dicks. The air pump is the safety. Meaning, your gun won’t fire unless you rub it long enough for the barrel dick to get hard. After that, collect every pistol, rifle, rocket launcher and flame thrower, fit it with a thick, veiny, metal cock, and give it back to the owner. Only then will Progressives succeed in stripping away the appeal of owning a gun, while the intended utilitarian purpose Conservatives argue guns are actually for, remains untouched. Think about it. We’ve put sex on such a high pedestal that anything closely associated with it has become taboo. Old politicians are so terrified of sex, they worked over time in Houston to ensure you can’t dry hump a fleshy C-3PO. Or, if you rather, C-3POhhhhhh.

The alacrity in which those sanctimonious clouds of bad sushi farts disguised in suits (or, “politicians” if you wanna be technical) attack anything sexual causes others to view sex through a lens of undeserving severity. This is particularly true with young men. We’ve created an environment where boys can become so irrationally angry with rejection or minor social missteps, that it’s now common for some to decide that mowing down everyone in their 9AM Geometry class is the best way to express their emotions.

And, it’s not just mass shooters. Most people who carry out acts of gun violence are dudes who feel the need to prove themselves after their masculinity has been threatened in some way or another. Gang members, domestic abusers, Rednecks who take offense to being told that putting a chrome nut-sack on their truck makes them gay because they had to touch the balls first in order to hang them off the bumper.

Doesn’t matter that they’re fake…you still touched balls…that makes you gay.

Now, imagine a world where men with extremely fragile masculinities couldn’t prove themselves as men though unspeakable acts of violence without first being forced to jack something off. It wouldn’t 100% eliminate gun violence, but it sure as shit would put a decent sized dent in it. After all, insecurity is strong and powerful tool, but bionic dicks are stronger. And, giving insecure dudes with violent propensities no other choice but to grapple with a super unsubtle symbol of the very thing fueling their angst, might result in some being forced to express their anger by utilizing other, possibly less violent outlets. It could also lead narrow-minded and prudish policy makers to view child murder with the same pearl-clutching abhorrence they view a house of droid-boinking. Maybe even to the point that they put in the same amount of fucking work to prevent either from happening.

At the end of the day it’s not the best idea to solve the country’s gun violence problem, but it’s better than anything else suggested. It’ll allow gun lovers to keep their “tools” so long as they’re secure enough to stroke a fat hog before shooting. And, it might offer people looking to compensate for some self-perceived inadequacies a humorous, albeit sophomoric opportunity to reflect on what’s actually bothering them before murdering someone. But, more important than anything, it would blast those dumb shooting competitions on ESPN 8 to #1 on the list of funniest fucking things ever to be put on TV. And, I’m all for that.

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