Nino oniN

Reason to live

Krrrr, krrrr…

-What is it? Who is it? What`s happening?

-Oh, alarm… It`s already five in the morning… First day of one-week internship… Time to get ready.

 At 6:15 I close the door behind and the journey started. One still can feel the smell of rain from night, it feels like you are walking in a fog, but there is no any…

 Forty minutes walking, twenty minutes train, then again walking for half an hour and new door of opportunity will open…

 It`s still very early, at least for the country where I was born. Life starts there very late, but not here, in Germany day starts before the night is over… But still, streets are empty, empty from people, but cars passing by remind you, that you are not alone. Getting close to bus-stop, three strangers hanging around it, waiting. After few hundred maters a warm smile meets me, strange, as usually I am the one smiling first. Came close to her and her eyes avoided to meet mine, probably first smile was not meant for me ether.

 At the train-station you can see life is going on, it’s pretty full for a small station of a small town. So many people, everyone is alone, only few exceptions. First day got to many looks, it was weird, but later I understood… I was the only stranger, the only new face, everyone else was going through same way every day, they all knew each other, at least each-others physiognomy, but nobody was greeting anyone. Most from older generation try to don`t make eye contact, if somehow eyes meet, reaction is fast and the head jumps quickly on the other direction. Nothing to say about younger ones, it`s hard to say if they can see anything else, but the screen of the phone. I think they would miss the train too, if it was not arriving so loud.

 Train starts… Everybody found place to occupy, but the traveling is steel lonely, the only possible communication is to be asked a question about travel, or ticket, I mean practical ones, questions that needs to be answered because of necessity. The way is short, just few stops and you have arrived. Everyone is rushing out of a small door of the train station going in different directions. Would be a nice picture from above. It`s like a heart-beat of the station. Total Quietness, then train arrive, it gets loaded and then spread into all possible directions, who knows how many times in a day…   

 Another half hour walking. Only cars and me… Navigation guided me through a strange way, it has chosen the best one, but the best for my body, not for my soul. In a half hour I met only one thin, strange looking human being, he was so surprised to see me, was staring for a while, maybe was checking if I was real, as it was very possible to be a trick of his unslept tired mind, that could not come out of a dream totally, but was heading to the job, because there was no other choice.

 The door opened and I entered totally different world. More than seven years I have not been working as architect any more. Back then, it was in the country I was born, everything was familiar… Now it`s all different. A language other than my native or other ones, that I am familiar with. Yes, I understand German pretty well, but still I am not as good as I want to be, new people, new program, plus in German. A great job I gave to myself, but I know I can handle it, the harder the task is, the more interesting results you get. And nice people make it easier…

 At first I did exactly what I was told… Probably it`s because of how I was raised, I did not dare to put my ideas, I thought they are not welcome… Then I was told that I had to be more creative. My heart smiled, creativity is what I love, I love to find solutions, I love to tease my brain, to test it, how far it can go, how much it can handle… They untied my hands and nice result did not make them wait long.

 First day was over. Because it was first day, could not match time, so had to wait more than half an hour for my train to come. I love watching people, find characters, each and every one is so interesting, they all have their story, they all are like books waiting to be read and understood. Books, oh, what an excellent idea, I have some books on my phone and I can read. I love to read, every morning I wake up very early to enjoy quietness, to listen the nature waking up and read. I`ve always loved mornings, so much is happening while most of the people are snoring. They miss so much…

 Set comfortably and dived into the wards. Suddenly I hear moaning, from the corner of my eye I can see a silhouette of a young creature, more looks like a girl. I continued to read without looking at her. Moaning became more frequent and louder. Then strong smell of alcohol crashed me. A bottle crash on the bottom of the recycle bin, then second one, third one… After smoking a cigarette moaning got louder, I could guess that she was trying to catch my attention, but what can we have in common? What can I talk with her about? What can I do for her?… After few minutes she started to talk with me in German.

 -So where are we now?

 I looked at her and my heart died. She was so young, maybe twenty… Totally dirty, spots of mud on her face… While talking she was touching pockets of her jacket, playing with few more little bottles of drinks… She was trying to seem ill, was trying to put eyes up to make me think that something was wrong.

 -Zwickau I guess… I answered.

Am not sure if she heard it, few more moans followed and she finely said, what she wanted and for what all this theatre was done.

 -Do you have few euros for me?

 My heart died second time in just a few minutes, I would give, but for what? For alcohol and cigarette, I can`t…

 -Sorry I don`t have any… I lied… I hate to lie… Could not stop thinking about her till night, till I fell asleep.

 For five days I was going same way, same time… It was like de ja vu… When I was a child I saw a movie “Groundhog day”, a guy was stuck, he was living the same day every single day… I felt same way, but even worse, because I was living every day same way, not one… Life was going and those days could never come back. I was doing it for 5 days, but all those people do it every day for only god knows how long. Every single day they see each other for years and they even never say hello. I don`t understand, when did we become strangers? Why? If you ask anyone what they want? 99% will answer to be happy and happiness would be defined to love, be loved and understood. It feels like happiness is in front of us every single moment and we refuse, we say no, no and no, but say that we are looking for it and want it. In so many people I met for those five days, I was the only crazy smiling at everyone… Is something wrong with me? or with the world around? Why do we live?

 The last day. Sitting in a train, going back home. I got the job, internship was successful. Was it?

 It`s raining outside. Watching the window with my mind full of those thoughts… Then thoughts disappear and I find myself watching nature crating artwork… Drops of water paint abstract lines in all directions. It looks like a huge art piece changing all the time and becoming more and more interesting. Some drops of rain crush the window, then go all the way through and disappear… Some crush, splash and leave abstract shapes giving wings to your imagination. I found many smiling faces between them, it made me smile… A guy sitting in front of me could not hide his surprise, he could not understand what I was smiling at. When one look closer, can see that there still are spots from rain before…

 That was the answer to my thought. I know I live to make positive change, to smile at others, even if I am the only one, even if I am not smiled back… I like to make others feel good, to help them and make them understand that I care and I don’t need to know them for that. I am happy if I know that I made someone smile or made someone`s dark day brighter. This is for me reason to live, what about you?…

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