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Mary Kalin

How to Get a Husband with One Phrase

* This process may take years/decades

 

Candidate #1: The Horny Douchebag
(Text Message): Can you come see me tonight?
You: My bank account is overdrawn and my car is dead. Cannot get there. Pick me up? Hang at my place? Pizza and beer?
#1: No, I can’t, too far, too much gas. Let’s try again next weekend.

Candidate #2: The Emotionally Needy Fairytale Hero
(Text Message): Can you come see me tonight?
You: My bank account is overdrawn and my car is dead. But you could come here.
#2: [After 10 minutes of typing and probably editing as he went]: Well, if you were with me you’d never have to worry about that ever happening ever again. Everything will be perfect. I’d never let that happen to you. Women should never have to worry about such things. You’ve had it so hard in life, it’s just not fair to you. I can fix all that! Just stay with me and I’ll make everything perfect for you!
You: Um, does that mean you’re stopping by here or…..
#2: Can’t this time. This weekend maybe? What did you think of what I said earlier?
You: Yeah, thanks, I’ll consider it. Got to get this stuff taken care of. Ttyl.

Candidate #3: The Macho Know-It-All Judge
(Phone call): So, can you meet me for drinks later?
You: My bank account is overdrawn and my car is dead. Bad day. Maybe later this week?
#3: Oh, my dear, you should never let your account become overdrawn! I’ll have to sit down with you sometime to help you figure out budgeting. You poor thing, no one taught you that, did they?
You: Actually, I found the mistake, it’ll just take me a day to–
#3: And you should take the car to Mr. X’s Auto Repairs, tell them I sent you, you’ll get a discount, he’ll tell you what’s wrong with it.
You: I have a mechanic. I’ve already found what’s wrong with it. It’s got a dead battery and the transmission needs a flush and—-
#3: Oh, aren’t you cute, knowing all that stuff? But anyway, yeah, take it to Mr. X, he’ll tell you what’s going on.
You: As I said, I already know what—–
#3: Anyway, let me know later this week if you can meet up or whatever. Looking forward to it.
You: Right. Sure thing. Bye.

Candidate #4: The Passive-Aggressive Delusional Lunatic
(Text message): Any chance you have time to visit me?
You: I’d like to but my bank account is overdrawn and my car is dead. I should be able to see you this weekend, tho.
#4: Hey if you’d rather not see me at all I understand. Thought we were getting along fine, tho…
You: That’s not what I said.
#4: Basically you did.
You: No, I said I’d like to see you this weekend. I have no money and no car right this minute.
#4: Right this minute. Who said you had to run over here right this minute?
You: That’s not what I said. Not at all. Are you getting these messages ok? Should I just call you? You could come over here, couldn’t you?
#4: Look, I’ll just call you later. You’re obviously not reasonable right now.
You: K.
[Block number]

Candidate #5: Future Husband
(Text message): Wish I could get out there to see you. Any chance you can come this way any time soon?
You: Well, I have an overdrawn bank account and a dead car…..
#4: Well you’d fit right in here!
You: [non-stop laughing]

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