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Barbara Grizzle

My Crossroads

  My fingers tremble still as I remember back on that day just a few short years ago.It wasn’t until recently in the last few weeks that I have fully began to understand exactly what was happening .I was at a crossroads I had a choice to make.I thought I was going crazy,the fact that I had been high for several months prior only fueled that idea.

The heated words,the face slap that from his perspective I so rightly deserved, the mounds of broken glass and my clothes shrewn about seemed more than I could bear.He wouldn’t listen tho,no one would The people everywhere saying everything,their actions it was just so overwhelming. The preacher told my husband that the devil had made a bid for my life and I now know that to be true.

Before I had taken that first hit again I had been clean for several years.I couldn’t get enough of God and his people, His word.It was a new life for me .I had never known love like that I was a sponge,I spent hours on end learning about God I no longer questioned everyone and everything.My sadness I had carried for all my life was gone,until that first hit again.

I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the prayers of the saints kept me through it all.The word itself tells us that the fervernt prayer of a righteous man availith much. It is a war you see,and i am a soldier the question now was for who. The choice is mine and mine alone it always has been.The God I love so much turned me over to my own devices and lust of the flesh. 

As I left the house that day I cried and prayed I knew what I had to do,what was the right thing to do. The right thing to do would be hard so I took the easy way I just wanted the pain of the day to be gone so at this point my craving overtook any faith I had left.He never left me tho He rode right along with me that day,silently.He had been silent for the last year.

I don’t remember why or when I decided to take take that last hit again.I just know it lasted for more than a year.A year I didn’t hear from God, I prayed more in that year than I ever have.I wrestled with my mind and flesh.It was my choice and He is a gentleman above all. 

The craving was unbearable so I started my truck and headed that way.I had to dry my eyes up because sensitivity is not part of that lifestyle.He (God) was with me tho,and so were they the people.The people of prestige and honor of the town seemingly escorting me with a free passage.I had been offered a nice salary by these people in a nonchalant way to live this lifestyle.No one believed me tho,no one would believe the things I was offered in that year.This my friend was my crossroad.

Music,I reasoned within my head that would set the stage change the atmosphere.It would get me where I needed to be when I got there .I chose Ac/dc,of course. As I started chanting the words and my attitude started to harden I would casually acknowledge the kind escorts along the way.They were tipping their hats as if they were oh so proud of my choice.When suddenly the station turned to a talk show where two gentleman were reporting the events of my very day,the things that had just happend to me.I knew I must be mad,as I pulled over,the two Suvs in front of me pull to the side.the gentleman on the radio start a wager on wether or not I’ll stay.I frantically change the station back to Ac/dc when again the station turn to a Christian song and I am overcame by tears.I can’t have this I turn it completely off and turn back on the road.I now today believe with my whole heart that although God was silent ,and the demons were waging there bets all of heavens angels were guiding me as well. I along with the Suvs get back on the road.As I pull in the driveway I shake my head ,my Achilles heel,please don’t make me lose my soul for it. When I left shortly after with my soul still belonging to God I had more faith than I thought possible.Im not gonna lie it’s not been easy or fast,but the choice I made that day i know in my heart was not for just me ,but for many.Its a ripple effect you see and it is a war.The enemy roams to and fro looking to whom he can devour.We have to be oh so careful .Today God speaks with me again in my dreams,in his word,sometimes it is overwhelming. I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

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